Fortune Cookies: Unrated Version


Don’t Be Sexist. Broads Hate It.

You’re a naughty girl. Go to my room!

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, Do the rest have to drown too?

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I drive by again?

My reality check bounced!

Don’t upset me. I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

Dyslexics of America: Untie!

Fat Girls Are Hard to Pick Up.

Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Shopping Tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

I think, therefore I’m dangerous.

You laugh because I’m different. I laugh because you’re all the same.

100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?

If we are what we eat, I’m cheap, fast and easy.

A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.

If you smoke after sex, you’re doing it too fast.

All I need is some peace and quiet. If I got a piece I’d be quiet!

You say Psycho like it’s a bad thing.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Implants?’

Daddy drinks because you cry.

My honor student can drink yours under the table!

Don’t Blame Me, I was in a drunken stupor on election day.

Nobody is ugly after 2 a.m.

Mean People Suck. Nice People Swallow.

Drink your beer. There are starving drunks in Ethiopia.

My other ride is your girlfriend.

The closest I ever got to 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

If I flip a coin, what are the chances you’ll give me head?.

I’m not an alcoholic. I’m a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.

Caution! I brake for hookers.

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you flash me.

You’ll need to know my name. You’ll be screaming it later.

Some village in Texas is missing their idiot.

Paris made me change my number.

Protect the sanctity of reality TV marriages.

Simpson/Flanders 2006.

What would Tony Soprano do?.

No Shirt, No Service (Men) No Shirt, Free!!! (Women)

Pavlov: Name ring a bell?

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.

Who is Oscar Mayer and why does everyone want to be his weiner?

Why do they call apartments ‘apartments’ when they are built together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Your gene pool needs a little chlorine!

If you like Hanson, honk 3 times and run into a tree.


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