LORD OF THE RINGS: BREADBOX EDITION
THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RINGS
FADE IN (SORT OF):
EXT/INT. DARKNESS
NARRATOR
Once upon a time, Sauron got the great idea of ruling the world via some rings.
SAURON, who looks like a kitchen appliance gone horribly wrong, shows off his flashy new jewelry.
NARRATOR
Not everyone was thrilled with this idea, so there was a war.
Lots and lots of ELVES and MEN fighting ORCS. ELROND looks pissy.
NARRATOR
Sauron had the One Ring and was therefore whacking people left and right.
SAURON kicks the butt of ISILDUR’S FATHER and menaces the heck out of ISILDUR.
NARRATOR
But, Sauron rather stupidly reached toward Isildur with his Ring hand and Isildur chopped it off.
First of many shots of SAURON’S FALLING FINGER with THE RING.
NARRATOR
Isildur could have destroyed it then and there, but nooooo. He was a big dope and kept it. The Ring was not happy with this and quickly arranged Isildur’s death.
RING calls in A HIT on ISILDUR. ISILDUR gets jumped by an ORC but somehow ends up in a RIVER with arrows in his back. RING ends up UNDERWATER.
RING
Well, this is inconvenient.
NARRATOR
And everyone pretty much forgot about the extremely important war.
GOLLUM goes swimming and picks up a GIANT PEARL, I mean, THE RING.
NARRATOR
The Ring did wonders for Gollum’s social life.
GOLLULM
Precioussss...
RING
Hoo boy.
BILBO finds THE RING. GOLLUM freaks.
NARRATOR
Which brings us to...Now.
EXT. THE HAPPY, PERKY SHIRE
FRODO
Hi there. I’m extremely adorable.
GANDALF rides up, singing the only poem they bothered to write a tune for.
GANDALF
Hello, Frodo. Why don’t I not tell you things.
FRODO laughs. It would behoove the AUDIENCE to remember this sound, as they will never hear it again.
GANDALF randomly drops off FRODO and goes to see BILBO.
BILBO
I’m going to say some vaguely disturbing things while Gandalf engages in some slapstick.
GANDALF smacks his HEAD.
GANDALF
Let’s have a smoke.
AUDIENCE
I was gonna go research the Ring
But then I got high.
I was gonna destroy the bloody thing
But then I got high.
Now the world is in imminent danger
And I know why.
Because I got high, because I got high,
Because I got high.
EXT. THE HAPPY, PERKY PARTY
BILBO
We need to make several clever references to The Hobbit.
MERRY and PIPPIN do something stupid, thus establishing themselves as COMIC RELIEF.
BILBO
Now, I will make an insulting speech that no one will understand because you can barely add fractions.
Gosh, I’m clever.
BILBO’S EGO implodes, causing him to DISAPPEAR.
GANDALF
Oh, for heaven’s sake.
GANDALF berates BILBO for wanting to keep THE RING.
BILBO
Remember those vaguely disturbing things I said earlier? Now I’m going to say some blatantly disturbing things.
GANDALF talks BILBO down by putting on a LIGHT SHOW, or more to the point, A SHADOW SHOW.
BILBO
Okay, I won’t do that freaky thing with my eyes again.
GANDALF
Leave the Ring for Frodo. I’m sure he won’t mind having to keep the evil object.
BILBO goes off, also singing the only poem they bothered to write a tune for.
BILBO
The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began...
Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm...
BORK, BORK, BORK!
GANDALF
I’m going to wait for Frodo to come home so I can not tell him things.
FRODO
I’m home! Why do we keep having extreme close-ups of Bilbo’s ring?
GANDALF
I can’t tell you that.
GANDALF rides off to the CGI CITY OF MINAS TIRITH to have a FLASHBACK of the FLASHBACK.
EXT. THE CGI CITY OF BARAD-DUR
GOLLUM
Shire...Baggins!
The EXCESSIVELY CREEPY BLACK RIDERS go off looking for someone named SHIRE in the land of BAGGINS.
EXT. THE HAPPY, PERKY, BUT NOT FOR MUCH LONGER, SHIRE
FRODO
La, la, la. Life is good. Nothing can possibly go wrong.
GANDALF
BOO!
FRODO
Oh, Crap.
GANDALF
The Ring is evil.
RING
Hey, I’m in the room!
GANDALF
You have to go. Gollum told everyone.
GANDALF shows us a FLASHBACK we didn’t need to see.
GANDALF
I’m going to see the obviously evil Saruman.
FRODO
That’s great. I’m sure you’ll be captured and I’ll waste time waiting for you.
GANDALF
Hmm...You can’t go alone, so...
GANDALF pulls SAM from thin air.
SAM
Ack! Gardening! At night!
GANDALF
Whatever. I need someone to obsess about Frodo.
SAM
I’m your man.
GANDALF goes off to get captured and FRODO and SAM go off to find MERRY and PIPPIN doing something stupid.
FRODO
The excessively creepy black rider is coming! Hide!
BLACK RIDER
Darnit, why can’t I find this Baggins place?
RING
Hey, you! I’m down here!
Frodo, put on the Ring!
FRODO looks adorable while fighting off the RING.
BLACK RIDER gets frustrated and screams like the SUBWAY ARRIVING.
THE HOBBITS run like heck to the FERRY.
BLACK RIDER
Hey! You! Can I get directions?
FRODO
Argh!
BLACK RIDER
Wait! I need help here!
FRODO leaps five whole feet onto the FERRY.
INT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN
GANDALF
I need your help.
SARUMAN
Blegh. I vant to suck your blood.
GANDALF
Despite your creepy demeanor, I’m going to reveal some secrets.
SARUMAN
I work for Sauron.
GANDALF
You are the wisest of the Wise.
SARUMAN
I’m evil.
GANDALF
I trust you implicitly.
SARUMAN
I’ll make you break dance.
GANDALF
You ARE evil!
GANDALF and SARUMAN have a really silly looking fight.
EXT. THE TOWNSHIP OF BREE
FRODO
Gandalf isn’t here. I wonder why.
MERRY
Let’s get drunk!
PIPPIN
I see no reason why not.
RING
Those darn Ringwraiths are lost again. Frodo, put me on so the Eye can give them directions.
FRODO
Ack! Now I must look sad and tormented.
And adorable.
PIPPIN does something stupid. FRODO goes to stop him and, OOPS!, falls. RING lands directly on his finger.
RING
Score! I thought that was going to take weeks!
FRODO appears in the FREAKY-DEAKY world of DARKNESS.
EYE OF SAURON
ROAR! I...My gosh, your eyes are blue!
FRODO
Well, I am adorable.
BLACK RIDERS
Oh, so it was someone named Baggins in the land of Shire!
BLACK RIDERS scream like NAILS ACROSS A BLACKBOARD.
FRODO pulls off the RING just in time to be molested by STRIDER.
STRIDER
There’s been enough adorability. Time for some rugged handsomeness from Strider the Ranger.
AUDIENCE
Tyrannosaurus Rex!
SAM
Frodo’s been out of my sight for three seconds!
STRIDER
I’ve come to guide you to the next plot point. We need to set it up so the audience thinks the Black Riders are killing you, while you are actually somewhere safe with me.
BLACK RIDERS stab beds, while shots of SAM are shown. INFANTS and SMALL DOGS are not fooled. BLACK RIDERS scream like a CARNIVAL RIDE COMING TO A COMPLETE STOP.
AUDIENCE
Enough already!
STRIDER
Oh, my name is actually Aragorn.
FRODO
You didn’t pretend it was Strider for very long.
ARAGORN
Well, multiple names are cumbersome. Just ask Mithrandir.
SAM
Who?
EXT. WEATHERTOP A.K.A., THE NEXT PLOT POINT
ARAGORN
I’m going to conveniently wander off.
FRODO
I’m going to conveniently go to sleep.
Without supervision, PIPPIN immediately does something stupid.
BLACK RIDERS
Oh, there they are!
AUDIENCE
You guys aren’t very bright, are you?
BLACK RIDERS surround the HOBBITS. It’s all very creepy and scary. FRODO falls.
AUDIENCE
Oh, for the love of...
BLACK RIDER stabs FRODO.
AUDIENCE
Noooo! Will his cuteness suffer?
FRODO
No, I’m just going to get cloudy contacts, varicose veins and start making funny noises, but I’ll still be the cutest thing you’ve ever seen.
ARAGORN manages to show up.
SAM
It’s about time.
ARAGORN
Sorry, traffic.
ARAGORN whups the BLACK RIDERS with fire.
BLACK RIDERS
Fire bad!
There is one BLACK RIDER left. ARAGORN throws the burning brand in his face.
BLACK RIDER
Well, I’ll just be going then.
EXT. THE ENCHANTED WOODS
GLORFINDEL
Well, it’s just about time for me to go save Frodo.
Suddenly, a SHOVEL thwacks GLORFINDEL across the back of his head. ARWEN is shown holding the SHOVEL.
ARWEN
Sorry, Glory. It’s my time.
ARWEN unceremoniously dumps his body in a ditch somewhere with that of TOM BOMBADIL.
ARWEN
Hi, honey. I’m here to save you.
ARAGORN
Arwen! I’m glad to see you. But, where’s Glorfindel?
ARWEN surreptitiously kicks some dirt on the bodies.
ARWEN
Beats me.
ARAGORN
Oh well. Can you save Frodo?
ARWEN
Like, fer sure!
ARWEN grabs FRODO and rides like hell.
BLACK RIDERS
Hey, you can’t take him! We stamped him ourselves!
ARWEN
Like, come get him, dorkwads!
ARWEN steals her FATHER’S JOB and starts the flood herself.
BLACK RIDERS
ARGH! First fire, now water! Nature sucks!
FRODO passes out and has TRIPPY DREAMS about architecture.
INT. THE OVERBLOWN ELF CITY OF RIVENDELL
FRODO
No, I hate Baroque! What? Where am I?
GANDALF
Hi, Frodo.
FRODO
Gandalf! Where the heck were you?
GANDALF has a FLASHBACK.
EXT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN
SARUMAN beats up on GANDALF.
SARUMAN
Idiot! Of course I’m evil!
But, because Gandalf can speak MOTH, he catches a ride on one of the REALLY BIG EAGLES OF MIDDLE-EARTH.
END FLASHBACK
FRODO
Um...Gandalf? Hello?
GANDALF
I’m sorry, what? You know I can’t tell you anything. Say hello to Elrond.
3000 years later, ELROND still looks pissy.
GANDALF
And Bilbo.
BILBO looks like he’s been put in an OVEN for a while.
FRODO
Wow, you got old quick.
BILBO
It’s one of those vaguely disturbing things from the beginning.
FRODO gets some brief happiness before the really depressing part of the movie begins.
GANDALF
Now what?
ELROND