by Casey Jespon
© 1999
I’m sitting on my couch
It’s just another lonely Tuesday evening
with nothing to do
So I turn on the boob tube
And flip from channel to channel
Here’s an old commercial:
“Buy 7-Up, it’s the hippest, raddest,
most bodacious soda pop on the market
It’ll quench your thirst faster
and with more pizzazz than the ‘leading’ brand”
Well that’s a load of bull
How do they know what pop
is the best one to quench my thirst?
So I flip to the next channel:
“Don’t listen to all those other pop commercials
that say their product is the hippest, raddest
thing on the market,
Only Sprite can quench your thirst best”
What is this?
Everyone thinks they’re better than everyone else
They don’t know what I like; they’re all liars
How much you wanna bet
the next channel will promoting one of those presidential candidates?
I change the channel, beep:
“Vote for Bill Bradley. He’s a better candidate than all those other-”
CLICK!
TV was invented to make us waste money and time
I miss the good old days of radio
So I turn on the radio:
“Buy Metabolife, it’s the only real thing on the market
that’ll make you lose the weight you wanna lose”
Hey! I wanted music
What’s on the next station?
“Bum ba daba dooda bum chattacha”
That’s better
“Hi, this is Sugar Ray.
This song is hipper and radder than the rest
Buy my album in the store
So can afford to pay my-”
CLICK!
Maybe I should just read a book
Here we go, Rolling Stone magazine.
“Buy Absolute Vodka
It’s the smoothest, clearest vodka in the galaxy,
Endorsed by the following billionaires...”
SLAM! What the hell is going on?
Can’t I go two seconds without being told
what is and isn’t the best?
I’m going out for a drive
So I grab the keys to my ‘87 Honda Civic
A compact, user friendly car for the early ‘90’s
Standard anti-lock brakes and rear window defroster,
It’s hipper and radder than--
DAMMIT! Not again!
Man, all this crap is making me tired
I’m taking a nap
YAWN
Dosing off...*snore*
“Hello, Casey, welcome to your dream.
This dream is endorsed by 4 out of 5 cerebrums
and contains digital hi-definition hallucinations
that are better than your average daydream”
NOOOOO!
The rich white adult male conservative American capitalists say you should shop at Joe's Steak Bakery! Buy our stock, dammit!
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