Ode to Gum
by Casey Jespon
© 2000

Beneath my desk on a monday morn
I first found my love
She was green and stale; all used up
But she got me thinking
That maybe I could fill this void in my life
With something pink, soft, and fragrant
So I walked to the corner store
When no one was looking I selected my date
She was watermelon flavored, and reasonable at 50 cents
I chewed her at home all day and all night
I fell asleep exhausted with her still in my mouth
But I woke up in utter horror
She was there between my teeth but couldn't taste her
No more watermelony juice
No more elasticity for blowing bubbles
I never knew they had such short lifespans
So I carried her to class in a Nerds box
And put her under the desk next to that aforementioned piece
Hoping they would keep each other company
On the way home I shamefully bought another pack
Her taste ran out before midnight
I went to sleep disappointed
The next morning I couldn't go to school without another piece
Soon I couldn't go an hour without one
I drained my bank account on six packs a day
My family was so bothered by all my bubble-popping
That they sent me to GCA - Gum Chewers Anonymous
So i went to the first meeting
We said our names and talked about our problems
To help us kick the habit they gave each of us a pack of cigarettes
And the next day they were shut down
By the Better Business Bureau
So I got back on the gumv Then one fateful night after I finished a piece
I discovered there wasn't a spot left to put her
All the table and chair bottoms were filled
"I can't live like this" I said
So I threw all my gum away
And cleaned out my tables and chairs
The next day at the corner store
I told the clerk I would buy no gum
He patted me on the back for my bravery
And kicked himself for losing his best customer
On the way out I saw a tempting-looking chocolate bar
But fearing a paradigm shift I passed by
So 5 years later I hadn't chewed a single piece
I had a job and a nice apartment
Everything's fine - 'Till the dreams came
All night I hear popping and smell watermelon and peppermint
I drown in a sea of stickiness
I couldn't take it any longer - I cracked
I spent two days chewing every flavor I could get my hands on
I covered the walls and floor with wads
I kept my neighbors awake with the popping
They must've called the cops
Because after I fainted with exhaustion
I woke up here in this jail cell
Reeking with flavor and regretting every minute of it
Under the bench I found several old wads
Ready to puke, I flushed them down the john
When I get out of here I'm going to start a campaign
To spread the word to the children of America
"Whatever you do, don't chew gum."

At Joe's Tofu Hut and Steak Bakery we do not sell any gum or allowed it to be chewed on the premesis. There's still plenty of donuts to aforemention, though.
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