Standardized Tests
by Casey Jespon
© 1999

I hate standardized tests.
I would rather take a standardized test
than lose my reproductive organs to an alligator’s bite.
But standardized tests suck.
I would rather take a standardized test
than have a liter of sulphuric acid injected into my spine.
But standardized tests still suck.
There are few things worse than a standardized test
that don’t involve Egyptian priests with white-hot hooks.
O Lord, please save this world from the stinking, festering fecal pile
that is standardized tests.

Once, in 11th grade, we were taking yet another of a long line of these tests, on the back were a bunch of questions like "Would you like to do the following things for a living? * Yes, * No, * Maybe" and there was a list of all sorts of jobs like "Drive an ambulance" "Manage a restaurant" and "Grind glass for use in laboratories." We were at the point where we couldn't take another test seriously, so we did funny things on this one. I only filled out like 6% of all these questions, Jake filled out every circle on the page, and I think it was Sasha who wrote out "FUCK YOU!" on it (and it fit perfectly). A week later our teachers told us how we had done a bad thing, but they had encouraged us through the whole thing. It's not like that test will actually influence any of our future careers...

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