Theseus, duke of Athens
Was a man of wealth and mirth
He owned all but 12%
Of the whole nation’s worth
The peasants, they revolted
Their countenance got mean
They broke into the dungeon
To steal a guillotine
The castle was torn apart
The thrown room was a wreck
And Theseus lost it all
That was above the neck.

Hippolyta, Amazon queen
Was out one night to dine
Someone slipped something
Into her precious wine
She got green and threw up
Her vision got quite fogged
She went into convulsions
And dropped like a log
When the coroner arrived
Her pulse could not be felt
A bottle of cyanide
Was found in Peter’s belt.

Peter Quince, the carpenter
Was arrested on the spot
And Tom Snout the Tinker
Was first to tie the knot
The noose double knotted
By a lynch mob full of rage
And in the book of life
Was Peter Quince’s last page
His body was left hanging
Above the cobblestone
And Egeus was chosen
To take over the throne

Egeus of Athens
Wanted his daughter dead
Then one day he woke up
With a bullet in his head
Hermia of Athens
Could take his threats no more
She emptied six rounds
Of her Magnum 44
Hermia’s hand writing
Was confirmed on the note
She said she would escape
On Robin Starveling’s boat.

Starveling the tailor
Granted Hermia’s wish
They had a couple beers
And caught a couple fish
He tried to get her naked
She slapped him on the cheek
They never found her body
Even after several weeks
The sharks ate every morsel
Even her satin dress
Soon she was digested
And I guess you know the rest.

The S.S. Rosencrance
On which Starveling slept late
Was in the mid-Atlantic
When he met his cruel fate
He tried some skinny dipping
His clothes did not get wet
But then one of his ankles
Got caught in a fishnet
He quickly was pulled under
He lost his final breath
Like those on Titanic
He died a moistened death.

Flute the bellows-mender
Was the star of a play
But because he cross-dressed
They thought that he was gay
He pranced around on stage
And earned many a fan
Including one known member
Of a sort of Klu-Klux-Klan
He got his nose smashed in
And his legs broke at the knee
If you called him an omelet
I would not disagree.

Titania, faerie queen
Had flowers in her bust
She also had some pouches
Of lovely pixie dust
One day she got a cut
And some dust worked inside
She got a physical
And when was home she cried
She had six months to live
Her life took a nose dive
For a rare form of cancer
Stopped her from being alive.
Thus died the faerie queen.

Oberon, faerie king
Had sadly lost his wife
As well as Hippolyta
The woman of his life
He tried to drown his sorrows
At a run-down local bar
He shouldn’t have decided
To get back in his car
He ran thirteen red lights
Rear-ended a Range Rover
Through that fateful windshield
His sovereignty was over.

Lysander of Athens
Ziggy-sockied all night long
Combined with some smoke
From Demetrius’ bong
His eyes got red and bloodshot
His bladder filled with beer
He walked into and alley
And said "I’ll empty here"
He couldn’t read the warning
Written just inside
It said "Danger: High Voltage"
So Lysander was fried.

The faerie Mustardseed
Was yearning for some leeks
The time since her last meal
She couldn’t count the weeks
She rummaged and panhandled
For change that one could spare
She worked up the hunger
Of a hibernating bear
She found a head of cabbage
Thrown out with random stuff
But for lack of nutrition
It just was not enough.

That little Indian boy
Was just too irritating
I wouldn’t change his diaper
If Bill Gates did the paying
Then one day in the park
Some soldier stole his rattle
The boy first called him gay
Then challenged him to battle
They fought like you’ve not seen
‘Till the cops broke it apart
But by that time a sword
Had pierced the small boy’s heart.

Peaseblossom, the faerie
Once got high on crack
Couple that with also
She’s a pyromaniac
She torches a couple condos
And a U-Haul truck
But in another condo
The bathroom door got stuck
She choked on massive smoke
And got caught in the flames
There was nothing but ashes
Left of the faerie dame.

Noble Demetrius
Was working on a list
Of places to blow up
For a fellow anarchist
Mt. Rushmore was too easy
The White House just not fun
Summit K-12 school
Was the only worthy one
In the cafeteria
Half a ton of dynamite
But he got locked in Al’s room
When the place blew up that night.

Cobweb, one more faerie
Disguised as a girl named Hannah
Was out one night a-hunting
On the African savanna
She killed herself two cheetas
A finch, a sparrow, a lark
And walked in territory
That elephants had marked
They carged at her full thunder
A rail gut she would need
To have even survived
That horrible stampede.

Puck, the knavish sprite
Had missed Robin the tailor
And so she sought comfort
Of a charming navy sailor
She told him of her dream
To dive off a waterfall
He took her to Maui
Saying not to take the fall
She should taken the advice
Of the man down from the docks
For when she plunged from high
She landed on some rocks.

Tom Snout the tinker
Was laying on some flowers
On some late night in August
Watching meteor showers
He saw seven in a minute
Or so he liked to boast
But one of those meteors
Got just a bit too close
At him it came hurtling
He’d ever seen nothing greater
But he didn’t quite enjoy it
From the bottom of a crater.

Helena of Athens
Was up for fun and games
She was called a master
And had many nicknames
One day she was with a group
Who was playing hide and seek
She had the best hiding place
Was not found for a week
She got locked inside of
A discarded frigidare
And after several hours
She hadn’t any air.

Nick Bottom the weaver
Had opportunity knock
After eight months of training
He was an astronaut
He flew in the space shuttle
In orbit ‘round the moon
So smashing in his space suit
He made the women swoon
But one day on a spacewalk
His material corroded
He blood started to boil
And his brain and heart exploded.

There was no one left in Athens
But good old Philostrate
Orders she wouldn’t be given
In lines she would not wait
No one was there to stop her
From getting drunk or stoned
Her teeth got extra dirty
Her skin got extra toned
She was the king and the queen
She was the lovers too
She could’ve been the lion
If she only wanted to.


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