Confused PHF
by Casey Jepson
© 2003


(Performed by Norbert Bottlegrass and E-C-thelion)

[spoken]
Norbert: Let's get down to it, E-C, who'd'ya like?

E-C: No doubts, I'm a P.E.F. That's Pervy Hobbit Fancier, all the way.

Norbert: Who's the lucky lass, then?

E-C: Um, Lass?

Norbert: Yeah, Lass. Wait... you don't, you know, dance left-footed, do you?

E-C: Undudelike? Naw. I'm all bouts the honeys.

Norbert: So what's her name?

E-C: Sam.

Norbert: Yo, like Samantha?

E-C: No, Samwise. You know, Gamgee.

Norbert: Wh-- You can't tell a dude when you're scopin'?

E-C: Pshaw, I know! It's just, well...

[sung]
I'm cruisin' down the lane in Hobbiton
past Ol' Bagshot Row where the Baggins gone
That Frodo he's got down with the bling bling on
and the style, the class, he's a charleton
And there's this simple lad right in the Row
in the morning sun sittin' toe to toe
with some fanciful foliage and you don't know
if here's there just be close to Frodo, yo

Norbert: I've heard of this lad you say, this Sam,
he's really right with kind you'd call madame
You'd have to be drunk on fermeted cram
if you wanna get jiggy wit him hand in hand

E-C: No you don't understand, it not like that,
he may be simple and smudge on the fat
Yet I'm drawn to him like a starving cat
ready to pounce on a passing rat

Norbert: Like a hawk swoopin' or scoopin' at sheep?
Like a scythe with an eye on the wavin' wheat?
Like a monsoon on the desert sand?
Like the premium lot, not the leading brand?

E-C: You got it, you spot it, you know it's true
Nothing like this has ever happened to you
I'm a P.E.F. through and through,
but I'm confused! I don't know what to do.

Norbert: You like this Sam, though he be a man
Not a lady sweet with the sensual hand
What's up wit you, I don't understand
You're a Fancier for a Hobbit named Sam

E-C: Well this Fro and Sam, they get no rest
They set out early on a quest
They meet Gandalf, Strider, and all the rest,
to put Middle Earth to the final test

Norbert: Where there ya go, my friend in need,
the solution you ask has just agreed
Out of sight, out of mind, you can pay no heed,
now sit back and pack a pipe of weed

E-C: You don't know it all!
Norbert: What?
Me: You don't know it all!
Norbert: Say what?
Me: Sit back and let me tell you a tale tall!

Frodo meets Old Man Willow, gets saved by Bombadillo
Then Sam is there to put the mint on his pillow
They talk about the story, they think about the glory,
No matter the danger, Sam don't stop to worry
Hey joins them on the Nine, he's lookin' pretty fine
He's walking Bill the pony in back of the line
He's down in Khazad-dum, in the monumental room
Representin' more than Sauron or Orlando Bloom
When Gandalf drops the line, Sam's still manly while a-cryin'
Then he ends up with elven rope made of hithlain
Frodo's lonely by the moor, Sam says what you play me for?
Then the two of them are off to ramshackle Mordor

Norbert: Well, you're for this Sam, though he's a dude
Rather than Rose Cotton in the nude
What's wrong with you, you're so misconstrude
Yet to turn down Sam would be outright rude

[spoken]
E-C: So you see where it's at? We're on the level?

Norbert: Man, I will never be on the level you're sportin. Only you could put the "man" in "romance."

E-C: Do me a favor, don't think I'm not still up with the right stuff?

Norbert: No matter what, you'll always be in the house. But if you and Sam are lookin for a room, you best go nextdoor.

E-C: True dat, true dat. You up for a half-pint?

Norbert: The road goes ever on, my friend.


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