of "Frankenstein"
(Personal Ad)
SGM (single gray monster)
seeks human female who is willing
to overlook major birth defects.
Must like wrestling in oil, killing innocent
people, and dancing around blazing buildings.
Must be willing to move to South America.
If interested write to
666 devil, demons, and goat head drive
(Letter 1)
Dear Mr. Wretch:
I was reading through the New York Times, and I came across your personal ad. You know, the one that asks about moving to South America. And I thought "Oh, my god, that is like, so cool." Especially where you said "must overlook major birth defects." And not caring about physical looks is like, so me! You know, ever since this guy I knew named Charlie got, like, a brain injury or something, I've been so lonely. All I do is paint, listen to 'Tubthumping' and have meaningless sex with complete strangers I meet at the Stardust Ballroom. It's all so empty. But you seem like a really interesting guy. I mean, South America! You must be a great explorer or something. When you say 'monster', I hope you mean physically, because I don't go with guys who are dark and dementedly evil and brag about it but if it's just physical than I'm totally okay with that. Please send me a picture so I can paint you a portrait. I thought you might be interested in a picture of me, too. A lot of guys are. I can't wait to hear from you. Any who, write soon, I'll be waiting. Toodaloo.
Fay
(Letter 2)
Dear Fay,
Wow when I saw your picture I burst a stitch (I hate it when that happnes). Here's my picture I hope you still want to see me after you've seen it. I know a little coffee shop that's out of the city so you don't have to worry about getting cholera, maybe we can go there sometime. Well, I have to go, my maker is getting too comfortable and I have to set him in his place.
Love,
the Wretch
(Letter 3)
Dear Wretch,
I found your picture invigorating. You know, sometimes all the straight lines that form the world just get to be too much for me. So I just get a few beers and blur the edges. Everything gets curvy. And that is so what you are like. You look like all your straight lines have been curved. I can't wait to get started on your portrait. One thing that bothers me, though, is that you didn't say when your birthday is, so I don't know how old you are. Why is that? Oh well. I know the coffee shop you are talking about. I once went there and (Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm telling you this!) I made love to a retarded waiter in the kitchen. By the way, in regards to your personal ad, I've never danced around a flaming cottage, but it sounds like so much fun... Oh! I know, why don't we burn down the coffee shop afterwards and dance around it naked! It's up to you.
See you soon,
Fay
(Letter 4)
Dear Fay,
I can't wait for our date! Your idea about burning the coffee house down is great, that'll teach them for messing up my orders. I think I killed that waiter you were talking about, he looked at me the wrong way. You asked me how old I was, well, I'm somewhere between one and two years old. I technically don't have a birthday since I was made out of dead stuff. I like your method of blurring the lines almost as much as mine, I cut them out. By the way, do you like to dance, I picked it up from my maker's wife before I killed her. About our date, how's Thursday?
Love,
the Wretch
(Letter 5)
Dear Wretch,
The date was great! I've never seen firelight reflecting off so many naked bodies at once before. It was so nice of your maker to come and dance with us. But did he have to bump hips with you and not me? (I hate to tell you this, but I was starting to feel jealous.) Anyway, I'm glad that mob came and took him off to lynch; he was starting to get on my nerves. Why'd they do that? I noticed he was a little too comfortable around you. But I painted several portraits of you, and I hope when you see them you won't be insulted by the enhancements I made. I thought a man of your physique deserved more manliness than expected. I was kinda dissappointed that you didn't come over to my place afterwards. If you ever wanted to go to bed with me, I'd be more than willing. Please tell me your thoughts of our get-together and tell me your favorite liquor so I know what to drink before bed.
Yours truly,
Fay
(Letter 6)
Dear Fay,
I loved our date, the dancing was the best. And your picture doesn't compare to the real thing. My maker is sort of an outcast with other people, he created my and now is paying for it. I like red wine, it reminds me of the blood I've spilled in my life. By the way my landlord is selling my hole in the ground so I'll need a place to stay for a while and I was wondering if you could help me out, I could be a live model if you wanted. I don't have much stuff, a cat named Eli and a decapitated cow's head I use for a hat that I stole from a duck. Well I await your reply.
Love,
the Wretch
(Letter 7)
Dear Wretch,
The most awful thing has happened! My apartment was ransacked. I didn't notice it at first, but when I saw one of my paintings was upside-down, I realized someone had been there and didn't want me to know. My apartment is unlocked so it could've been anyone, but I bet it was my landlord because I didn't pay my rent on time. I need a place to live! We need to get together and find a new dwelling where we can be at peace. Where can we go? Where are there beaches, sunlight, wilderness, and no humankind to interfere? Please contact me as soon as possible. I'll be staying in the apartment next to mine where the previous resident still pays rent. Get me out of here quickly.
Help,
Fay
P.S. I would love to be the mother of your children.
(Letter 8)
Dear Fay,
In receiving your terrible news I was flung into a rage and slaughtered your landlord and his family. I feel terrible, I think it would be a good idea to get out of the city so all this can blow over. I have always wanted to go to a South American rain forest and I was thinking that we could move there. If you want to go I'll be by to pick you up in three days. You won't need to bring anything. I'll see you in three days.
Love,
the Wretch
(Entry in Fay's Diary)
Dear Diary,
Our first night in South America was wonderful. We spent the whole night just lying naked together among the leaves, cuddling. The Wretch is the first, no, second man I've ever known who didn't just want me for sex. And you should see Wretch! He wrestled with a twenty-foot-long python and strangled it to death. It tasted delicious. Nothing scares him. I think I've found true love. And about that native he accidentally killed, a lightning bolt struck him and brought him back to life! He ran off to his village and killed all his kin. Silly, huh? I think I shall never fear the oppressing hand of the upper class again. By the way, we're picking names for the baby, when it comes. If it's a boy, William, and it's a girl, Alice. This is Fay, signing off.
(Entry in the Journal of Victor Frankenstein of Geneva)
The Journal of the Wretch of South America:
Dear Journal,
I am to be a father, it still seems like a dream. It was only three years ago that I was created, now I have found the woman I love and am happy. The days of torturing my creator seem so distant. Now my life is complete and I can finally rest. I can only hope that my love feels the same. I havge been pondering marriage and I think that I will ask Fay tomorrow at dinner.
April 5, ----
Home