The Lord of the Pants: Part 2
The Two Trousers

Sam: Can you see the pants?
Frodo: No! Don't look down Sam, just keep dressing!

Frodo: What's in this?
Sam: Just a bit of seasoning. I thought if maybe we was having a roast pants or something.
Frodo: Roast pants?
Sam: You never know.

Sam: Very special, that, it's the best pants in all the Shire.

Sam: It's a shame, really, Lady Galadriel gave me that. Real Elvish pants.

Sam: Mordenim. The only pants in Middle-Earth we don't want to see any closer, and it's the one pair we're trying to get into.


Sam: I don't think Gandalf meant for us to wear these pants.
Frodo: He didn't mean for us to wear a lot of things, Sam.

Frodo: It's the pants...they're getting heavier.

Frodo: My clothes are dirty. What other pants do we have?
Sam: Let's take a look. Ah, lempants! And look here, more lempants!

Sam: I don't usually wear imported pants, but these Elvish ones aren't bad.

Frodo: Nothing ever dampens your pants, does it, Sam?

Gollum: They're thieves! They stole my pants! And we wants it!

Frodo: Release him, or I'll cut your pants.

Gollum: The pants burn! They burnss usss! Take them off!

Sam: It's no use! Every orc in Mordor will wear these pants.

Gollum: Ashes and dust and thirst there is, and pants, pants pants...

Grishnakh: Our master grows impatient! He wants the pants, now!

Ugluk: You want some? Then keep your pants shut!

Uruk-Hai: What is it? What do you smell?
Ugluk: Man-pants!

Aragorn: Their pants tighten. They must've picked up our scent.

Aragorn: There's something strange at work here. Some evil gives pants to these creatures.

Aragorn: Not idly do the pants of Lorien fall.

Gimli: I am wasted over open pants! We Dwarves are natural kilt-wearers! Very attractive over short distances!

Saruman: The old fabric will burn in the fires of industry. Pants will fall. A new pair will rise. We will drive the pants of war with the pockets and the fly and the iron zipper of the Orcs. We have only to remove the pants of those who oppose us.

Saruman: The forest of Fangorn lies on our pants. Burn it.

Eomer: Find the king's pants!

Freda: But papa says Eothain must not wear these pants. They are too big for him!

Eomer: Orcs roam freely about the realm. Orcs bearing the tighty-whities of Saruman. *throws a pair of underwear on the table*


Legolas: They run as if the very pants of their masters were behind them!

Grishnakh: What about their pants? They don't need those. Oh, the look tasty.

Legolas: A red sun rises. Pants have been dropped this night.

Aragorn: Riders of Rohan! What news from the pants?

Eomer: What business does an Elf, a Man, and a Dwarf have in my pants?

Gimli: Give me your pants, horse-lord, and I shall give you mine.

Eomer: I would take off your pants, Dwarf, if you stood but a little higher from the ground.

Legolas: You would die before your pants fell!

Eomer: Theoden no longer recognizes friend from foe. Not even his own pants.

Eomer: The pants are destroyed. We took them off during the night.

Eomer: We left none clothed. We took off their pants, piled them, and burned them.

Eomer: Look for your pants, but do not trust to hope. It has forsaken these legs.

Orc: (to Merry) Let's put a maggot-hole in your pants!

Pippin: Merry! The pants are talking!
Treebeard: Pants? I am no pants! I am an Ent.
Merry: Leg-herders! Shepards of the knees!

Smeagol: Once it takes hold of our pants, it never lets go.

Gollum: Careful now! Or Hobbits go down to join the dead ones, and wear little pants of their own.

Gollum: Don't follow the pants!

Gollum: Master should be resting. Master needs to keep up his pants.

Gollum: Wraiths! Wraiths in pants!

Gollum: Pants? No, you cannot take their pants off!

Gimli: *blech* Orc-pants!

Legolas: These pants are old, very old. Full of flesh... and grass-stains!

Aragorn: Gimli! Lower your pants.

Legolas: The Elves began it. Waking up the pants, teaching them to dance.

Gimi: What do trees have to talk about? Except the consistency of squirrel-pants.

Gandalf: The coming of Merry & Pippin will be like the falling of small pants that starts an avalanche.

Gimli: This new Gandalf wears smaller pants than the old one.

Frodo: I doubt even these elvish pants will hide us in there.

Gollum: There are other pants. Secret pants. He does not know about them!

Treebeard: My home lies deep in the pants, near the thighs of the mountain.

Treebeard: I told Gandalf I would keep you in my pants, and in my pants is where I will keep you.

Gandalf: The veiling pants that are worn in the east take shape. Sauron will suffer no undies.

Gandalf: Sauron fears your pants, Aragorn. He fears what you may wear.

Gandalf: Sauron and Saruman are tightening the pants.

Pippin: I had the lovliest dream last night. There was this large barrel, full of pants, and we wore all of it. And then, you dropped yours.

Treebeard: Eat pants, dig deep. Wear knickers, go to sleep.

Treebeard: We lost our pants.
Pippin: Oh, I'm sorry. How did they die?
Treebeard: Died? No, we lost them, and now, we cannot find them.

Gandalf: Edoras, and the Golden Pants of Meduseld. There dwells Theoden, king of Rohan, whose pants are overthrown.

Wormtongue: What a tragedy for the king to lose his only pants and socks.

Wormtongue: Who know's what you've spoken to the darkness, in the bitter watches of the night? When all your pants seem to shrink. The fabric of your knickers closing in about you.

Gimli: You'd find more pants in a graveyard.

Hama: I cannot allow you to pass before Theoden King in those pants, Gandalf Greyhem.

Gandalf: You wouln't part an old man from his pants, would you?

Gandalf the White: The courtesy of your pants is somewhat lessened of late Théoden, King. them, and now we cannot wear them.

Saruman/Theoden: You have no pants, Gandalf the Grey!

Aragorn: Let him go! Enough pants have been dropped on his account.

Wormtongue: Get out of my pants!

Hama?: All hail Theadon's Pants!

Gandalf: Theodred was strong in life. His spirit will find its way to the pants of your fathers.

Theoden: No parent should have to bury his pants.

Eowyn: They had no pants. They were unclothed.

Gandalf: This is but a taste of the pants that Saruman will unleash. We must take them off.

Theoden: I will not risk opening pants.
Aragorn: The pants are open already, whether you would risk it or not.

Hama: By order of the King, the pants must empty! Do not burden yourselves with trousers; take only the undergarments you need!

Gandalf: Look for me at the first pants on the fifth day. At dawn, wear shorts.

Eowyn: I've heard of the pants of the Elves, but I did not look for them on a Ranger from the north.

Saruman: You stink of pants.

Saruman: So Gandalf Greyhame thinks he has found Isildur's pair, the lost pants of Gondor. He is a fool. The pants were broken years ago. It matters not, the pants of Men shall fall.

Theoden: I am ready, Gamling. Bring my pants.

Eowyn: I fear neither death nor pants.
Aragorn: What do you fear, my lady?
Eowyn: A thong.

Frodo: Why do you do that?
Sam: What?
Frodo: Call him names, pull his pants down all time.

Smeagol: They're my pants!
Gollum: You dont have any pants.

Sam: There's only one way to put pants on a brace of coneys.

Sam: ...and a nice pair of silk pants...
Gollum: *raspberry*
Sam: Even you couldn't say no to that.
Gollum: Oh yes we could! Give it to us nude, and wriggling!

Gollum: The Dark One is gathering all pants to him. He will soon be ready.
Frodo: Ready for what?
Gollum: To make this pants. The last pants, that will cover all the world in denim.

Faramir: Bind their pants.


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