Lord of the Pants:Book I
The Fellowship of the Pants: Part 1


Galadriel: The world is changed.
I feel it in the water.
I feel it in the earth.
I smell it in my pants.

Galadriel: Seven were given to the Dwarves; great seamsters, and craftsmen of the mountain pants.

Galadriel: Sauron, the hole in the leggins of Middle-Earth, was defeated.

Galadriel: He had this one chance to destroy evil forever; but the pants of Men are easily corrupted.

Gollum: (sticks hand down his pants) My precioussssss!

Galadriel: The pants gave to Gollum unnatural long legs, for 500 years they covered his knees, and in the gloom of Gollum's pants, they waited.

Galadriel: Pants crept back into the forest of the world. Rumors grew of a shadow in the pants. Whispers of a nameless fear.

Bilbo: Oh, sticklepants! Where's that boy gone off to?

Gandalf: A wizard's pants are never too tight, Frodo Baggins. Nor are they too baggy. They fit precisely as he means them to.

Gandalf: You're too eager and pantless for a hobbit, it's most unnatural.

Gandalf: If you're referring to the incident with the dragon, I had nothing to do with it. I merely gave Bilbo a little tug on his trousers.

Frodo: You've been officially labeled a disturber of the pants.

Bilbo: It's the Sackville-Bagginses! They're after my pants!

Gandalf: He's very fond of you, you know.
Bilbo: I know...he'd probably go pantless with me if I asked him to. But I think in his heart, Frodo's still in love with pants...the leggings, the pockets, the stitching...

Bilbo: I feel thin, sort of stretched, like tight pants spread over too much bum.

Bilbo: I need a holiday Gandalf. I think I'll take off my pants, and I don't expect I'll ever put them back on again. In fact, I mean not to!

Bilbo: Old Toby-- the finest pants in South-Farthing!

Frodo: Go on Sam, ask Rosie for her pants!

Frodo: Have you been wearing the Gaffer's favorite pants?
Bilbo. No. Well, yes, but that's not the point.

Gandalf: Bilbo Baggins, there a number of magic pants in the world and none of them should be worn lightly.
Bilbo: Oh it was just a bit of fun, did you see their pants?!

Gandalf: BILBO BAGGINS! Do not take me for a wearer of cheap pants! Im not trying to rob you. Im trying to pants you.

Frodo: He talked so long about wearing pants. I didn't think he'd actually do it.

Black Rider: Paaaaannnnnttttttssssssssssss..
Hobbit: There be no pants round 'ere...

"Hey ho, to the trousers I wear
To heal my heart and cover my hair
The leg may fold, the stiching may tear
But there still be many pants to bear
Sweet is the sound of the party dance
Or the slacks that rip from sharpened lance
Better than a sock for stepping on ants
Is a leg of Took inside these pants!"

Gaffer: It's no business of ours what goes on beyond our trousers. Keep your nose out of pants, and no pants will come to you.

Frodo: They're some form of Elvish pants-- I cannot wear them.
Gandalf: There are few who can. They are the dark pants of Mordor, which I shall not put on here.

Gandalf: One pants to rule them all,
One pants to find them,
One pants to bring them all
And in the darkness wear them.

Gandalf: This is the One Pants, forged by the Dark Lord Sauron; taken by Isildur from the legs of Sauron himself.

Frodo: Bilbo found it, in Gollum's pants...

Gandalf: The ring yearns above all else to return to the pants of its master.

Frodo: Take them! You must take my pants, I'm giving them to you!
Gandalf: Do not tempt me Frodo! You see, I would try to wear these pants out of the intention of looking good...

Gandalf: I must go see the pants of my order. They are very soft, and very tight.

Gandalf: Confound it all, Samwise Gamgee, have you been pantsdropping?
Sam: I ain't been dropping no pants, Sir!

Gandalf: You must never put the pants on, for the servants of the Enemy will be drawn to its pockets.

Saruman: Your love of the halfling's pants has clearly slowed your mind.

Saruman: Why should we fear to wear the pants?
Gandalf: The see-ing pants are not all accounted for! We do not know who else may be wearing them! *shoves pants back into drawer*

Saruman: Concealed within his fortress, the Lord of Mordor sees all -- his gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth, and pants.

Saruman: Sauron's forces are already moving. They will find the pants, and take them off he who wears them.

Saruman: You do not seriously think that a Hobbit could wear the pants of Sauron? There are none who can.

Saruman to Gandalf: It would be wise, old friend, to remove your pants.

Sam: If I put one more leg in, I'll have on the most pants I've ever worn.

Bilbo: It's a dangerous business, Frodo, taking off your pants. You step out of your pants, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to.

Sam: You've been in Farmer Maggot's pants!

Frodo: Sam and I are leaving clothes. We must get out of our pants.
Merry: Unbuckle Merry!

Frodo: We have come to stay at the inn. Our pants are our own

Barlibur: What can I do fer ye, little masters? We've some nice hobbit-sized pants fer ye, if yer interested....

Frodo: My name's Underpants.

Pippin: They come in pants?

Strider: You draw far too much attention to your pants, Mr. Underhill!"

"All that is cold does not shiver,
Not all those without pants are lost;
The pants that are strong do not wither,
Deep pants are not reached by the frost.
From the pants a fire shall be woken,
A pants from the shadow shall spring;
Renewed shall be pants that were broken,
The pantless again shall be king."

Aragorn: Are you wearing pants?
Frodo: Yes.
Aragorn: Not nearly enough

Frodo: What are they
Aragorn: They were once pants...

Sam: Wheres he leading us?
Strider: Into the pants.

Merry: How do we know this Strider is a friend of Gandalf's?
Frodo: I think the pants of the Enemy would look fairer and smell fouler.

Sam: Rivendell? We're going to see the pants"

Aragorn: There shall be no wearing pants until nightfall.
Pippin: What about underpants?
Merry: I don't think he knows about underpants Pip.
Pippin: What about boxers? Or briefs? Tighty whities? Speedos? or Thongs?

Frodo: Who is she? The woman of whom you sing?
Aragorn: 'Tis the Ley of Luthien. An elf-maiden, who gave her pants to Beren, a mortal.
Frodo: What happened to her?
Aragorn: Her legs got cold.

Sauron: Sew me a pair of pants worthy of Mordenim.

Staplesnout: The pants are strong my lord. Their stitching is good.

Pippin: That's nice, ash on my trousers!

Sam: look mister Frodo, it's Bilbo's pants!!!

Aragorn: Are you familiar with athelegs?
Sam: Athelegs?
Aragorn: "Kingstrousers.
Sam: Aye, they're pants.

Aragorn: This is beyond my skill to clothe. He needs Elvish pants.

Arwen: What's this? A Ranger caught with his pants down?

Nazgul: Give up the pants, She-elf!

Arwen: If you want my pants... come and claim them!

Elrond: (in Sindarin) Frodo, hear my voice. Come back into your pants.

Gandalf: There is only one Lord of The Rings, and he does not share his pants!

Frodo: You're right, Sam. The pants will be safe in Rivendell. I am ready to take them off.

Gandalf: I fear he will wear those pants all of his life.
Elrond: Yet, he shows amazing resilience to their evil...
Gandalf: He should never have had to wear those pants. We can ask no more of Frodo.

Gandalf: Saruman is coming for the pants.

Elrond: This evil cannot be concealed by the pants of the Elves.

Elrond: Whom will you look to when we're gone? The Dwarves? They hide in their mountains, seeking pants. They care nothing for the clothes of others.

Gandalf: It is on Men that we must place our pants.

Elrond: Pants? Pants are weak. I was there, 3,000 years ago, I was there the day the strength of pants failed.

Elrond: The Pants of Numenor are all but spent, their flies and pockets forgotten.

Gandalf: There is one who could unite pants
Elrond: Yes, but he turned from pants long ago. He has chosen boxers.

Elrond: You will wear pants or you will fall.

Boromir: A dream: I saw the Eastern sky grow dark, but in the West a pale pants lingered. A voice cried out "The doom is at hand. Isildur's pants are found." Isildur's pants...

Gandalf: Ash pants durbatulūk, ash pants gimbatul. Ash pants thrakalutūk, agh burzum-panties krimpatu!

Elrond: Never before has anyone worn those pants in Imladris.
Gandalf: I ask not for your pants, Master Elrond. For the black pants of Mordenim, may it be worn in every corner of the West! The pants are all together evil.

Boromir: The pants of the Enemy are a gift. Let us wear them against him.

Aragorn: We cannot wear pants! None of us can! The pants fit Sauron alone. They have no other wearer!

Legolas: He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn... you owe him your pants.

Boromir: Gondor has no pants. Gondor needs no pants.

Boromir: There is evil there, that does not wear pants!

Gimli: I will be dead before I see the Ring in the pants of an Elf!

Frodo: I will drop my pants in Mordor...though I do not know the way.
Gandalf: And I will assist you.

Aragorn: If with pants or without I can protect you, I will.

Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: You have my bow
Gimli: and MY PANTS!

Sam: Frodo’s not going anywhere without pants.

Pippin: Oy! We're coming too!
Merry: You'll have to send us home tied up in a pair of pants to stop us!

Pippin: You need pants of corduroy on this mission... quest... thing.

Elrond: You shall be the Fellowship of the Pants!


Part 2
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