The Lord of the Pants: Volume 3
The Return of the Pants

Déagol: Sméagol! I've got one! I've got a pair of pants, Sméagol!
Sméagol: Go on! Go on, pull it up!

Sam: Have you worn any pants, Frodo?
Frodo: No.
Sam: And here I've gone and worn too many.
Pippin: We are sitting on a field of pants, enjoying a few well-earned trousers. (or) Pippin: We're sitting on the field of victory, enjoying a few well-earned pants.

Pippin: The salted pants are particularly good.

Gimli: Well, let's just have his pants and be done with it!
Gandalf: No, he has no pants anymore.

Treebeard: The filth of Saruman's pants is washing away. Trees will come back to live here.

Théoden: Tonight we remember those who gave their pants to defend this country.

Théoden: It was not Théoden of Rohan who led our people to pants.

Aragorn: What does your pants tell you?

Gollum: What's it saying, my precious, my love? Is Sméagol losing his pants?

Sméagol: Sméagol hates nasty hobbitses! Sméagol wants to see them...pantsless!

Smeagol: "Up, up, up, up the legs we go... and then we come to...the pants."

Gollum: The pants will be ours. Once the Hobbitses are naked.

Sam: I heard it from his own pants; he means to murder us!!!

Frodo: I need you in my pants.
Sam: I'm in your pants, Mr. Frodo.

Legolas: Something stirs in the pants...A sleepless malice.

Legolas: The pants of the enemy are unzipping.

Pippin: I saw white pants, in a courtyard. They were dead. The pants were burning!

Gandalf: We've been strangely fortunate. Pippin saw in the Palantír a glimpse of the enemy's pants.

Théoden: Tell me, why should we wear the pants of those who did not wear ours?

Merry (zipping up his pants): Why did you look? Why do you always have to look!?

Gandalf: Three day's ride as the Nazgûl flies. And we better hope we don't have one of those in our pants...

Merry: It's the last of the Longbottom pants. I know you've run out. You wear too many pants, Pippin.

Gandalf: Dress, Shadofax. Show us the meaning of pants.

Arwen : You have the gift of trouser-unzipping. What do you see?
Elrond: I looked into your pants, and I saw saw boxers.
Arwen: There are also briefs!

Arwen: It is time. Give him the pants of the King!

Arwen: The pantless again shall be King!

Elrond: Your legs are cold. The pants of the Eldar is leaving you.

Gandalf: We've just passed into the pants of Gondor.

Gandalf: As steward you're charged with the clothing of this city! Where are Gondor's pants?

Gandalf: Now, listen carefully: Lord Denethor is Boromir's father. To give him news of his beloved son's pants would be most unwise. And don't mention Frodo or his trousers. And say nothing of Aragorn's pants either. In fact, it's better if you do not speak at all, Peregrin Took.

Pippin: His pants fell defending us from many foes.

Pippin: I offer you my pants, such as it is, in payment of this debt.

Denethor: You think you are wise, Mithrandir. Yet for all your subtleties you have no pants.

Denethor: With your left hand you would use me as a shield against Mordor! And with your right, you seek to unpants me!

Aragorn: Authority is not give to you to deny the return of the pants, STEWARD!

Gandalf: You're in the pants of the Steward now, you're going to have to do as you're told.

Pippin: I don't want to be in pants. But waiting on the edge of a pair I can't fit into is even worse!

Pippin: Are there any pants, Gandalf? For Frodo & Sam?
Gandalf: There never were many pants. Just a fool's pants.

Gandalf to Pippin: The pants are set, the legs are moving. The time has come, the great battle of our pants.

Gandalf: If the belt is taken, if the pants in Osgiliath falls, the last clothing of this city will be gone.

Gandalf: Peregrin Took, my lad. There is a task now to be done. Another opportunity for one of the Shire-folk to prove their great pants.

Aragorn: The beacons of Minas Tirith are lit! Gondor calls for pants.
Theoden: ... And Rohan will wear some.

Aragorn: You ride with us?
Èowyn: Just to the encampment. It's tradition for the women of the court to put pants on the men.

Èowyn: The men have found their captain, they will follow you into battle, even to death. You have given us pants.

Orc: The age of pants is over, the age of the kilt is beginning.

Gandalf: Faramir? This is not the first halfling to have crossed your pants?

Gothmog: What of the wizard?
Witch-king: I will pants him.

Denethor: Is there a captain here who still has the courage to wear his lord's pants?

Faramir: Since you're robbed of Boromir, I will do what I can in his pants.

Sméagol: Sméagol shows them secret pants that nobody else could fit into, and they say sneak! Sneak!!!

Sam: It's gone! The elven pants!
Frodo: What?! That's all we have left!

Gollum: Look! What's this? Crumbs on his pantses! He took it!

Gollum: He took it! I've seen him! He's always stuffing his pants when Master's not looking!"

Sam: It's everything; it's Gollum, it's this land... it's that thing around your legs. I could help you with the burden, Frodo. I could wear them for you. Share the pants.

Gandalf: Your father's will has turned to madness! Do not throw away your pants so rashly!

Pippin: (sung) Pants are behind
The skirts ahead
And there are many holes to thread
Through pockets
To the edge of the fly
Until the pants are all alight

Levis and shadow
Dockers and shade
Belt shall fade
Knees shall fade


Théoden: Six thousand pairs of pants. Less than half of what I'd hoped for.
Aragorn: Six thousand will not be enough to cover the legs of Mordor.

Èomer: They grow nervous in the shadow of the pants.

Legolas: It is the road to the Dimholt; the pants under the the mountain.
Èomer: None who wear them ever return.

Èowyn: Well that's no good; you won't kill many orcs with blunt pants!

Èomer: I do not doubt his pants; only the reach of his leg.

Elrond: I come on the pants of one whom I love.

Elrond: The pants of the Evenstar is failing. As Sauron's pants grow, her skirt wanes.

Elrond: Andúril - Flame of the West. Forged from the pants of Narsil.

Elrond: The one who can wield the power of this sword, can summon to him a pair of pants more deadly than any that is worn on this earth.

Elrond: I give pants to men.
Aragorn: I keep none for myself.

Aragorn: It is but a shadow and thong that you love. I cannot give you my pants.

Legolas: Have you learned nothing of the pants of dwarves?

Gamling: He leaves because he has no pants.

Théoden: I have left instructions. The people are to follow your rule in my pants.

Theoden: I would have you wear pants again, not grieve for those whose time has come to wear slacks.

Gimli: What kind of army would linger in these pants?

Gimli: The very warmth of my pants seems drawn away.

Legolas/King o' Dead: The pants are shut. They were made by those who are dead, and the dead wear them. The pants are shut.

Aragorn: I do not fear pants!

Gimli: Well this is a thing unheard of. An Elf will get into a pair of pants, while a Dwarf dares not!

Théoden: Little hobbits do not belong in pants, master Meriadoc.

King o' Dead: Who enters my pants?

King o' Dead: The dead suffer no one's pants!
Aragorn: You will suffer mine!

Gimli: You waste your time, Aragorn! They had no pants in life, they have none now in death.

Gothmog: Pants...the city is rank with it.

Gandalf: Send these foul pants into the abyss!

Denethor: No pants for Denethor and Faramir, no long slow cleaning of pants dry-cleaned. We shall scrub, like the cotton pants of old. Bring soap and water!

Gorbag: She jabs him with her stinger, and he goes as limp as a pair of pants!

Part 2
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